So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
