i think my mom watched the whole time
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
