Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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