He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
