Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
