Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
