You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
