he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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