mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
