So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
how drunk are you?
Several
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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