Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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