If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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