Need sex. Gaining weight.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
