Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
