Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
