Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
