you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
