I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
