actually, I'm a sock model
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
