I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
