how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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