you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
