I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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