just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
