Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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