The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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