yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I wish I only lived at night.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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