my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
