my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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