I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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