im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
