based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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