i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
