I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
