Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
