Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
These tits shall not be calmed
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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