i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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