Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
