He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
It's shark week go big or go home
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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