I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
