dude i'm inner monologue high
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
3pm strippers are depressing
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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