I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
