I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
