then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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