Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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