My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
