My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
