if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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