My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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