areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
