we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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