my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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