I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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