Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Randomize
