i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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