You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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