Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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