who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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