I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
