I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
