I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
