Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The best revenge is premature balding
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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