dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
They are going to name an STD after you.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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