Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
