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Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
