I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
