If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
