Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
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