Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
