I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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