I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
