How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
