Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
