I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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