We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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