i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
