Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
