i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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